Inspired by an email...FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Maybe I've been giving lotza advice these days to some good single girl friends around me, this email really came to my attention. And ofcoz I myself am really keen to KEEP a life partner like my hubby....

This is a looooong one, so I've decided to break this into 2 parts so that u wont get too bored and that u'll have something to look out for in this blog tomorrow...hehe!

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love". But truly, I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone". You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner:

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common Life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) you can grow apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get "punished", or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:
- Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
- Are they serious about improving themselves?
- What do they do with their time?

- Is this person materialistic?

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure
this, think about the following:
- How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters?

- How do they treat their parents and siblings?
- Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

TO BE CONTINUED...
...by Dov Heller, M.A